“What good is a misery index without much misery?” you might ask.
“Next question,” I might respond.
Now, if there are no further exercises in tedium, I’d like to get on with my Index. But before doing so, I’ve got something new to introduce to the weekly index report.
Whereas I’m really into music (if you didn’t know this, head over the store and spend every penny you’ve got to help make my life-dreams a reality), I thought it would be nice to add a suggested soundtrack to each segment.
It’s just a suggestion, however – you can still do whatever you want.
Off we go.
Texas Longhorns (2-4)
Last week I suggested Texas might consider running the ball between the tackles more often to shorten the game. This week they beat #10 Oklahoma by running for 313 yards to the the Sooners' 67 and won the time of possession battle. Now, I’m not saying I’m a genius or that Charlie Strong reads the CSMI – that’s for you to decide.
What I am saying is, FINALLY.
Suggested Segment Soundtrack: “Finally” – CeCe Peniston
That. Was. Awesome.
Saturday’s victory in Dallas was a big win for a good man at a time when they needed it most.
No misery this week. Onward to the bye week.
Interesting stat: Texas is undefeated in bye weeks since 1893.
North Texas Mean Green (0-5)
Portland State was only a 1-point favorite coming into Denton, this past Saturday, proving Vegas doesn’t know anything about anything. (Just kidding, Mafia!) The score was 66-0 before UNT finally punched in a completely meaningless touchdown late in the game, further disappointing myself and a couple other fans who were harboring a masochistic curiosity as to how much worse it could get.
Suggested Segment Soundtrack: “End of the Road” – Boyz II Men
Earlier this season I referred to one of the losses as the worst of McCarney’s five-year tenure. This one was even worse-er. The worst-est. So bad, in fact, it cost McCarney his job (with the bizarre decision to fire the coach immediately following the game, leaving the coach to attempt to answer questions in the parking lot of the stadium. YIKES. Not a good look, UNT.)
It was time. That said, I am not one to celebrate another man losing his job. Dan McCarney did a lot of good during his time at UNT. His 2013 team won 9 games, including a victory in front of a sizable hometown crowd in the Heart of Dallas bowl (for which we were in attendance and at which we did indeed have ourselves a hell of a time).
In the classroom, his football teams consistently scored well on the Academic Progress Rating (APR) – a rating that is far less interesting than the CSMI that uses math and other lies to measure the academic performance of NCAA athletes – and increased every year throughout his tenure.
The football team also posted a 3.0 GPA earlier this season, which I’m guessing at least rivals the University average and is almost certainly better than most of the fraternities. People in other countries might be impressed by “grades” and “learning” and “graduating,” but let me remind you that this is AMERICA and it’s win or go home, bros and broettes.
Dan McCarney was hired to coach the football team. His recruitment classes were consistently ranked among the bottom of the entire FBS – and that includes the cycle that followed the aberrant 2013 season. He had one winning season in five years. That’s not good and therefore it’s not good enough. If you’re going to play the game, you play the game to win. YOU PLAY… TO WIN… THE GAME.
To Dan McCarney I say thank you for your time in Denton. I honestly believe you wanted to do big things at North Texas and I appreciate the importance you placed on academics. It may not matter to our society in general, but there are those of us to whom it did matter – and I’m certain it mattered to the players whose lives you touched.
To the next guy, pick up a fire extinguisher on your way into town, will you?
Houston Texans (1-4)
I don’t know how many times, exactly, the Colts have beaten the Texans, but I want to say “almost all the times” because I don’t really remember ever beating them. This miserable suck-fest of a week was no exception.
Suggested Segment Soundtrack: “I Need a Hero” – Bonnie Tyler
Andrew Luck didn’t even start the game. Instead they called up Matt Hasselbeck – who I understand a) was possibly on his deathbed and b) is still old – to fill in against their semi-annual human punching bags in Houston and he did exactly what they needed him to do to keep the streak alive (whatever it may in fact be).
Meanwhile, the former Texans fan-favorite Andre Johnson – who had up to this point done absolutely nothing for the Colts – predictably went off against his former team. Because why not, right?
The Texans need someone to step up and make some plays. The Texans need a hero.
They also need a QB.
We’ll wait another week or so before calling the season a “lost cause,” but there’s a strong chance losses will eventually become wins of sorts for this Texans team as related to the CSMI, as we gun for that #1 spot in the 2016 draft.
It’s that bad.
Houston Astros (2-2)
There was a really big, no good, very bad game, yesterday. It didn’t go the way we wanted it to go (in case you’re bad at context clues and reading comprehension). But this week’s index technically ended on Sunday, so for the sake of my sanity, I’m going ignore yesterday and discuss it next week, if – and only if – Wednesday goes poorly, deal?
Suggested Segment Soundtrack: “Crush City” – Bun B
Because here’s the deal: The rest of this past week was awesome. McHugh gave a solid effort as the Astros snagged the first game of the ALDS at Kansas City on Thursday, then Money-Pants Keuchel (Editor’s Note: "Money-Pants" is not a thing, Brant) followed up a spectacular showing against the Evil Empire with another gem at home, in front of like a million or so fans at Minute Maid Park on Sunday.
Side note: people in New York are saying nice things about us!
The series heads back to KC for a now-or-never, win-or-go-home, hyperbole-of-all-hyperboles game five for all the marbles. (What that idiom even means I haven’t a verbing clue.)
We need to win. We will win. Just keep Greg Abbott off Twitter – and put your H’s in the air if you with it, MAAAAYNE.
As you may already know, The Texas Longhorn’s Mascot and Handsome Bovine Extraordinaire, “Bevo XIV” is in grave condition with an undisclosed condition. This prompted a discussion between my wife and I about the average lifespan of a Longhorn steer, which led to the realization that neither of us has a clue what it actually is, whether 10 years or 100. (If you're wondering, it’s actually around 20, but it’s not unheard of for one to make it into its 30’s. So now you know.)
Anyways, I was grasping at straws trying to find something to miserable about, this week. That’s about all I could find.